Russians Develop Spy Turtle

November 15, 2005

turtle.jpg A Russian scientist is in the process of perfecting a new stealth military reconnaisance tool. With highly trained turtles and a remote control device, a new method of espionage has emerged that he believes will foil all enemies. I mean who would expect a turtle with a camera strapped to its back crawling through an area that requires security clearance to be harmful, right?

Alexei Burikov, head of the biology department at Rostov-on-Don State Pedagogical University, says he has perfected a remote control device that can be fitted to a turtle’s shell. The device sends vibrations through the shell that cause properly trained turtles to change direction. A tiny camera fitted to the turtles shell could then spy on the enemy and relay reconnaissance pictures to a command or control center. Burikov did not explain why no one would notice a vibrating turtle with a video camera on its back.

Source: [HamptonRoads.com]

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Beer, Preventative Medicine?

November 15, 2005

beercap.jpg

A new study suggests that hops, the flower used to bitter beer, may in fact be good for you. A group of compounds known as flavanoids appear to have anti-oxidant properties that may prevent some types of cancer. Most American lagers appear to be too watered down to have beneficial effects, but styles such as stouts and porters appear to have relatively high levels of the chemicals. The scientists won’t go so far as to recommend that you go out and down a few cases over the weekend:

“We can’t say that drinking beer will help prevent cancer,” said Fred Stevens, OSU assistant professor of pharmacy and scientist in the Linus Pauling Institute.

Source: [Associated Press]

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This Just In…

November 15, 2005

Welcome to the woman who just found Snicker using this search term:

http://www.google.com/search?q=my+husband+has+a+tiny+penis

A Serious Sports Fanatic

November 15, 2005

31-year old Geoffrey Huish likes his rugby. He recently bet a friend that he would cut his testicles off if Wales won in Cardiff. Well, they did and so he fulfilled his promise.

Single Geoffrey, 31, took an agonising ten minutes to perform the horrific op using a pair of blunt wire cutters. Then he put his severed parts in a blue plastic bag and staggered to a social club to announce his desperate deed to fellow Wales fans. Jobless Geoffrey finally collapsed with blood pouring from his groin as horrified drinkers put his testicles in a pint glass of ice. They were handed to paramedics who rushed him to hospital — but surgeons could not sew them back

The Sun Online

Extra Large

November 15, 2005

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?” She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

Source: [Lots of Jokes]

Vegetable Dealers

November 14, 2005

bean.jpg 18-year old Eduardo Lorenzo and his 49-year old uncle Hector Ludena were busted for trafficking cocaine from Peru by packing it into food products. Perhaps that’s not so novel, but if you take a look at this Tampa Bay news station’s page, the vegetables that they were using were hundreds of 1-inch long lima bean shaped containers (photos on the site).

Investigators say 18-year-old Eduardo Lorenzo and his uncle, 49-year-old Hector Ludena were smuggling cocaine from Peru by concealing the drugs inside of vegetables and other food products. Police originally arrested Lorenzo on November 6 for possession of a stolen firearm and possession of cocaine. Detectives were led to Ludena’s home, where a search of his residence turned up over a 1,000 grams of cocaine concealed inside the veggies. The street value of the drugs is believed to be about $90,000.

Source: [WTSP News]

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Jailhouse Fire Hot Sauce

November 14, 2005

pepper.jpg Itching for a hobby as they wait out their prison terms, a group of inmates from Brandon, Florida have turned horticulturists. The group of convicts grow their own peppers and are perfecting a hot sauce concoction that they hope to market to consumers.

It can be difficult to add a little spice to your life when you’re in jail, where everything’s the same, day in and day out. But inmates at the Hillsborough County jail are trying. The inmates had been growing hot peppers as part of a horticulture program at the jail for about a year when one of them made a suggestion to make it into a sauce Allen Boatman, the horticulture program’s director, agreed it would be a good idea, and residents of the Falkenburg Road Jail in Brandon are now the proud makers of Jailhouse Fire hot sauce.

Source: [Associated Press]

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Duct Tape iPod Case

November 14, 2005

duct.jpg There’s nothing like a bit of ingenuity to avoid laying out cash. If you’re concerned about scratches and dings on your iPod, the BoingBoing crew have links to a full set of instructions to make your very own duct tape iPod case.

Link: [Boing Boing]

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$1,000,000 Reward For Lost Dog

November 12, 2005

From San Fransisco Craigslist:

Lost Shih Tzu – Livermore $1,000,000.00* reward!! (dublin / pleasanton / livermore)


Reply to: comm-110614866@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-11, 4:36PM PST

Shih Tzu, Female, 10 yrs old, Light brown with semi black nose and ear tips. Amber Ridge / Portola Glen / Knottingham Park area of Livermore.

*$1,000,000 paid in $1 yearly installments for 1,000,000 years *or* $100 now!

  • no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro

November 12, 2005

Captured in their pre-high school years… napoleon.jpg

(Click for larger image)

Source: [AllDumb.com]

Lesser of Two Evils

November 12, 2005

pipe.jpg Considering the stash in this Palm Springs, California resident’s house, it probably was best not to invite the police for a visit. Worried that someone was attempting to break into his home, 59-year old Ronald Meyers requested that the Palm Springs police come out to have a look around. Everything was fine on the outside, but there was a bit of a problem with what they discovered on the inside…

Responding officers found no burglar but asked if they could check inside, said Sgt. John Booth, a Palm Springs police spokesman. When Meyers, 59, let them in, officers allegedly found more than $100,000 worth of marijuana, he said.

The alleged stash included an 8-foot-tall pot plant, more plants growing in the garage and harvested marijuana — some packed into large closeable plastic bags — stuffed in large storage bins in a bedroom, Booth said.

Officers also allegedly found syringes, at least one methamphetamine pipe and other drug paraphernalia, he said.

Source: [Yahoo]

Who Designed This Guy?

November 12, 2005

Conservative Christian evangelist Pat Robertson is at it again. Behold the apocalypse!

Conservative Christian televangelist Pat Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting “intelligent design” and warned them on Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck.

Robertson, a former Republican presidential candidate and founder of the influential conservative Christian Broadcasting Network and Christian Coalition, has a long record of similar apocalyptic warnings and provocative statements.

Source: [Reuters]

Bike Lock

November 12, 2005

Strong as steel and stops lateral bike robbers dead in their tracks… bikelock.jpg

Source: [office-humor.co.uk

Google Search History Used in Murder Prosecution

November 12, 2005

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Alleged murderer Robert Petrick of North Carolina had his computer confiscated during an investigation by local officials. Among the millions of documents was evidence of foul play Googling:

Robert Petrick searched for the words “neck,” “snap,” “break” and “hold” on an Internet search engine before his wife died, according to prosecutors Wednesday.

More than two years after Janine Sutphen’s body was discovered floating in a Raleigh lake, investigators continue to find new evidence on computers seized from Robert Petrick’s home that prosecutors say support their arguments that Petrick killed his wife. The Google search was the latest in recently discovered evidence found in the 100 million pages of content removed from computers.

Last week, a forensic investigator discovered that Petrick allegedly researched lake levels, water currents, boat ramps and access about Falls Lake just four days before he reported Sutphen missing on Jan. 22, 2003.

Source: [WRAL.com]

Napoleon’s Tooth Fetches a Fine Price

November 12, 2005

toothbrush.jpg

One of Napoleon Bonaparte’s upper canines fetched over $22,000 from a private collector at a recent auction in England. The tooth has made its way through several hands since it was in its original spot in the emperor’s mouth:

The tooth came with papers tracing it back to Napoleon’s physician Barry O’Meara, who apparently extracted it from the former French emperor’s mouth in 1817 during Napoleon’s exile on the British island of St. Helena in the South Atlantic. Napoleon died on the island four years later.

O’Meara passed the tooth on to Gen. Maceroni, aide to the King of Naples, who was married to Napoleon’s youngest sister Caroline. The last owner acquired the tooth from Maceroni’s great-granddaughter, Cecilia White, in 1956.

Source: [CNN]

Blind Man at the Wood Mill

November 11, 2005

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,? says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. “I’m confused,? says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”

 

Source: [lotsofjokes.com]

Women at the Urinal

November 11, 2005

urinal.jpg

(Click for larger view)

Source: [AllDumb.com

According to MIT, Tin Foil Hats Are Ineffective

November 11, 2005

Conspiracy theorist alert! According to a recent MIT study, the tin-foil hat does not, in fact, protect you against invasive government-controlled radio waves. Good science, or brilliant people with too much time on their hands? You decide.

Source: [ Damn Interesting ]

Very Cool Stick Figure Fighting Flash Animation

November 11, 2005

Check this stick figure fighting animation out.  Has Matrix style camera panning and everything… [LINK]

“My Humps”, Robot Style

November 10, 2005

my_humps.jpg Oh yeah, robots have all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk…  Check out Little Lost Robot’s version of the Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” video.

Missing in Boston

November 10, 2005

Spotted on the Boston Craigslist:

Missing: My Penis


Reply to: pers-109757001@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-08, 1:21PM EST

Well, not all of it, but some of it.

It’s only four inches(if that, maybe a hair under), so I figure I am missing at least a couple of inches. I mean it’s not like I ever saw them or had them to begin with, but I just get the feeling sometimes, that some guy out there with say, an 8 or 9 inch penis, is running around with a couple of my inches, so I guess this is directed towards him.

Hey, fella’, do you really need my inches? I mean really, couldn’t you have somehow gotten through life with just average size genitalia? I know that I, personally, have been somehow getting through life with a lot less than that. So why did you feel it so nessecary to have your’s plus some of mine in order to be roughly twice my size(and, no doubt, at least twice my girth)?
I really, at least hope you are treating my inches well, and putting them to good use. Do you think that with all the women that you are surely making drool over you, that it might be fair to at least throw me some of your leftovers and/or rejects? Really, wouldn’t it be the least you could do, since you are clearly not going to return my inches?

Alright, that last part may not have been reasonable, and to be honest, having to go through life with fewer inches has certainly resulted in my having to focus on developing parts of myself that I might not have ordinarily had to. I have had to develop certain skills that many other men may not have had to develop so highly, and I have had to work on being a better person and even funnier, the latter being fairly easy to do since I have such a great head start in the humor department with so much(or so little, if you will) comic fodder in my pants. Nothing funnier than a full grown man with a teeny-tiny penis…

In conclusion, if whomever is sailing effortlessly through life with my inches would like to return them, I will gratefully accept them with no questions asked. If not, please do not waste them, and perhaps I can live vicariously through the knowledge that you are putting them to good use.

Thank you one and all, and have a great day.

 

Bananas and Whipped Cream

November 10, 2005

No explanation whatsoever… bananaman.jpg

Source: [AllDumb.com]

The Mailman’s Retirement

November 10, 2005

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.”

He said, “Fu*k him, give him a dollar.”

The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

Source: [Aardvark Archie’s Jokes]

Ja Man

November 10, 2005

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him “Oh is your girl named Wendy too?” The Jamaican replied, “No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day”.

Source: [Aardvark Archie’s Jokes]

Cock Cement

November 10, 2005

cement.jpgWorks within 30 seconds and lasts for weeks…