Archive for the ‘Head Shakers’ Category

This Just In…

November 15, 2005

Welcome to the woman who just found Snicker using this search term:

http://www.google.com/search?q=my+husband+has+a+tiny+penis

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Vegetable Dealers

November 14, 2005

bean.jpg 18-year old Eduardo Lorenzo and his 49-year old uncle Hector Ludena were busted for trafficking cocaine from Peru by packing it into food products. Perhaps that’s not so novel, but if you take a look at this Tampa Bay news station’s page, the vegetables that they were using were hundreds of 1-inch long lima bean shaped containers (photos on the site).

Investigators say 18-year-old Eduardo Lorenzo and his uncle, 49-year-old Hector Ludena were smuggling cocaine from Peru by concealing the drugs inside of vegetables and other food products. Police originally arrested Lorenzo on November 6 for possession of a stolen firearm and possession of cocaine. Detectives were led to Ludena’s home, where a search of his residence turned up over a 1,000 grams of cocaine concealed inside the veggies. The street value of the drugs is believed to be about $90,000.

Source: [WTSP News]

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Duct Tape iPod Case

November 14, 2005

duct.jpg There’s nothing like a bit of ingenuity to avoid laying out cash. If you’re concerned about scratches and dings on your iPod, the BoingBoing crew have links to a full set of instructions to make your very own duct tape iPod case.

Link: [Boing Boing]

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Missing in Boston

November 10, 2005

Spotted on the Boston Craigslist:

Missing: My Penis


Reply to: pers-109757001@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-11-08, 1:21PM EST

Well, not all of it, but some of it.

It’s only four inches(if that, maybe a hair under), so I figure I am missing at least a couple of inches. I mean it’s not like I ever saw them or had them to begin with, but I just get the feeling sometimes, that some guy out there with say, an 8 or 9 inch penis, is running around with a couple of my inches, so I guess this is directed towards him.

Hey, fella’, do you really need my inches? I mean really, couldn’t you have somehow gotten through life with just average size genitalia? I know that I, personally, have been somehow getting through life with a lot less than that. So why did you feel it so nessecary to have your’s plus some of mine in order to be roughly twice my size(and, no doubt, at least twice my girth)?
I really, at least hope you are treating my inches well, and putting them to good use. Do you think that with all the women that you are surely making drool over you, that it might be fair to at least throw me some of your leftovers and/or rejects? Really, wouldn’t it be the least you could do, since you are clearly not going to return my inches?

Alright, that last part may not have been reasonable, and to be honest, having to go through life with fewer inches has certainly resulted in my having to focus on developing parts of myself that I might not have ordinarily had to. I have had to develop certain skills that many other men may not have had to develop so highly, and I have had to work on being a better person and even funnier, the latter being fairly easy to do since I have such a great head start in the humor department with so much(or so little, if you will) comic fodder in my pants. Nothing funnier than a full grown man with a teeny-tiny penis…

In conclusion, if whomever is sailing effortlessly through life with my inches would like to return them, I will gratefully accept them with no questions asked. If not, please do not waste them, and perhaps I can live vicariously through the knowledge that you are putting them to good use.

Thank you one and all, and have a great day.

 

Now That’s a Blowout!

November 9, 2005

bball.jpg The Hanna High School basketball team from Earlsborough, OK received a pummeling on Friday night against its rival Earlsboro High. When the fat lady finally sang, the score was 112 to 2. After going through the first through fifth string players, the opposing coach went through the cheerleading squad and the hot dog vendors to try to avoid scoring anymore points. What do you suppose the Hanna coach had to say in the locker room after a game like that?

Source: [Fox Sports]

Reporter With An Itch

November 9, 2005

There’s an entire camera crew around her. Did she really think that she’d get away with this? pick.jpg

Source: [College Humor

Housewife of the Year

November 9, 2005

Hmmm…if the Swiffer folks had a choice, who do you suppose that they would choose? housewife.jpg

(Click for larger image)

Source: [davesdaily.com]

I.O.U.

November 9, 2005

piggybank.jpg The current administration under President George W. Bush has managed to borrow more foreign capital than all 42 previous United States presidents combined.

According to the Treasury Department, from 1776-2000, the first 224 years of U.S. history, 42 U.S. presidents borrowed a combined $1.01 trillion from foreign governments and financial institutions, but in the past four years alone, the Bush administration borrowed $1.05 trillion.

Source: [cnsnews.com]

Forget Your Broker, Call Your Senator

November 9, 2005

money, money, money In the first study of its kind, Georgia State University professor Alan Ziobrowski found that United States senators beat the stock market annually by 12 percent.

That is an impressive performance, as fund managers are thought to have the Midas touch if they regularly outperform by about 3 percent, and even hedge funds – which charge steep fees for performance – are now on average only 6 percent better than the market.

The academics who conducted the study looked at 6 000 stock transactions made by senators between 1993 and 1998. They noted that the senators did an especially good job of picking up stocks at just the right time – their buys were typically flat before they bought them, but beat the market by 30 percent, on average, in the year after.

However, it seems the senators might have been given a helping hand. Alan Ziobrowski, a professor at Georgia State University, and his colleagues concluded that at least some senators must have been trading “based on information that is unavailable to the public”.

Source: [Business Report]

Hello From Afghanistan, The Weather is Great Here!

November 9, 2005

bomb.jpg If you’re kicking around international travel plans this winter, you’re in luck! A brand spanking new 5-star hotel has just been built in Kabul! There are plenty of sights to see…

Militants occasionally fire rockets into downtown and the threat of kidnapping forces many foreigners to live in tightly guarded compounds ringed by concrete bomb barriers and to travel in armored convoys.

And the view is fantastic!

About 300 yards away is the Murad Khani slum, where thousands live in flimsy shacks next to open sewers.

If that hasn’t convinced you, imagine that the nightly cost of a room is up to 24 times the monthly income of a local government official! You’ll be wining and dining like a king!

Source: [monteryherald.com]

Squirrel Nuts Causing Engine Problems

November 8, 2005

squirrel.jpg A couple from Clydebank, England noted some odd noises coming from under the hood of their car in recent weeks. They took the car to a local mechanic where a thorough inspection revealed 8 pounds of nuts in the air filter deposited by neighborhood squirrels.

“They said ‘there’s your problem. Those were in your resonator and in your air filter’.”

“The squirrels apparently had been going through the air pipe entrance, through the resonator box, and into the air filter.”

Source: [BBC]

Bull Semen Thief

November 3, 2005

bull.jpg Someone has stolen Eric Fleming’s entire supply of bull semen and he’s offering a reward of $75,000 for its safe return. The Maryland rancher discovered that the canisters containing the seed of his prized bulls were missing over the weekend.

Fleming has spread the word about the theft on websites of interest to cattle breeders and the sheriff’s office is investigating.

Source: [WFMY]

Tolls Caught Up With Her

November 3, 2005

A woman from Fort Worth, TX with a nasty habit for running through toll booths without paying has been arrested. Evangelina Gonzalez is charged with running over 2,900 toll booths and has currently owes a grand total (including fines) of $76,000.

The North Texas Tollway Authority estimates that 35,000 drivers out of one million daily transactions do not pay when passing through the toll booths.

Source: [nbc5.com]

Tea for Two

November 3, 2005

Remember the book ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?’ Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at Penn.

“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.

The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted.

————————————————————–

STORY:

(First paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.
But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

——————————————————

(Second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
“Why must one lose one^s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

———————————————————

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
“We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

———————————————————-

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

———————————————————-

(Gary)

Bitch.

———————————————————-

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

———————————————————-

(Gary)

Slut.

———————————————————

(Rebecca)

Get fucked.

———————————————————-

(Gary)

Eat shit.

——————————————————–

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

———————————————————-

(Gary)

Go drink some tea – whore.

**********************************************

(Teacher)

A+ – I really liked this one.

Source: [College Humor]

Sticky Toilet Seat

November 3, 2005

toilet.jpg A Home Depot shopper in Louisville, Kentucky found himself in a sticky situation. The gentleman sat on a toilet seat in the bathroom that was covered with glue. He has filed a lawsuit against Home Depot, claiming that the response to his calls for help were not answered rapidly enough.

The lawsuit said after about 15 minutes, store officials called for an ambulance. Paramedics unbolted the toilet seat, and while wheeling a “frightened and humiliated” Dougherty out of the store, he passed out.

The lawsuit said the toilet seat separated from his skin, leaving abrasions.

The lawsuit was filed against the store last Friday.

Source: [HelenaIR.com]

A Crack Dealer That Got Away

November 2, 2005

crackpipe.jpg A 74-year crack dealer from Oklahoma is off the hook. The dealer explained to the court that he was using the funds that he made on crack cocaine sales for medical expenses resulting from his wife’s cancer therapy.

 

Prosecutors argued for a 20 years prison term, but District Judge Richard Van Dyck said he could not see how a prison sentence would benefit Lewis, the community or the state.

Source: [local6.com]

Greenpeace to Pay Fine For Damaging Coral Reef

November 2, 2005

rbowwarrior.jpg The environmental protection organization, Greenpeace, will pay $7,000 for damages to a coral reef when its ship Rainbow Warrior II struck the reef in the southern Phillippines.

The accident Monday was “very regrettable,” Greenpeace said in a joint statement with the Tubbataha National Marine Park, but it laid some of the blame on maritime charts showing its ship was 1.5 miles from the reef

The ship sustained no damage and continues its voyage to Australia, China, and Thailand.

Source: [WFMY News]

Electrocuted Squirrel Causes Grass Fire

November 1, 2005

squirrel.jpg A month-long draught in central Mississippi has left grasslands dry and flamable.  Witnesses on the scene of a grass fire in the Jackson suburb of Byram, Mississippi reported a bright flash, loud popping sound, and ashes floating to the ground shortly before the ignition of a grass fire that spread to nearby trees.  The squirrel’s charred body was believed to be the origin of the blaze.  The smell of the charred critter apparently attracted a few locals.  Said one passerby of the precooked squirrel:

 “I’m a country boy, so I’m thinking dinner time.”

Source: [Modesto Bee]

 

Food Items from Hurricane Relief Effort Being Sold on eBay

October 31, 2005

cannedfood.jpg Meals ready to eat (MRE’s) that appear to have been distributed to hurricane victims during recent relief efforts along the Gulf coast of the United States have appeared on eBay according to a recent article published in the Houston Chronicle.

Representatives for eBay, the online auctioneer firm, say it is impossible to prove that any of the meals were meant for hurricane victims. They note MREs can be bought in camping stores and Army-Navy surplus outlets.

But at least some of the MREs advertised on the Web site are being sold from Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida and other Gulf states, and are individually packaged with a disclaimer that clearly notes: “U.S. Government property — Commercial resale is unlawful.”

While it remains unproven whether these food items actually originated from federal government relief efforts, some of the sellers have made references to the hurricanes in the region.

“It was very depressing to come back and see that Rita took half our roof with her and left a lot of trees on the fence,” the seller wrote. “I am still in a state of shock and a daze. It has really been a mess. I thank God for my solid gold eBay customers. Thanks for your prayers.”

Source: [Houston Chronicle]

Warnings for Military Personnel

October 31, 2005

cautionsign.jpg Warnings issued to United States combat troops in the field:

“Aim towards the enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

“When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend.” – US Marine Corps.

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – USAF Ammo Troop.

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal.

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual.

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal.

“Tracers work both ways.” – US Army Ordnance.

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal.

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” – Anon.

“Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your comrades.

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” – USAF Ammo Troop.

Source: [office-humour.co.uk

Burning Bag of Poo Prank Out of Control

October 31, 2005

flames.jpg A Winnipeg family has lost their home to a blaze started as a result of the infamous burning bag of poo prank that is common around this time of year.

The fire was started by someone who left a flaming bag of fecal matter on the family’s doorstep, police said yesterday

According to an Ottawa Sun article, the flames spread so rapidly that the family had no options other than to escape and watch their home burn to the ground. Fortunately, no one was injured; however, damages have been estimated at over $100,000.

Source: [ottawasun.com]

Fosters, Helping Crocodiles Since 1971

October 30, 2005

croc.jpg Nearly one-third of crocodile-related deaths in Australia are the result of inebriated swimmers according to a recent study that investigated all attacks that occurred between 1971 and 2004.

The study, published in the U.S.-based Wilderness Medical Society journal, found that fatal attacks had remained roughly stable at about two per year since the 1970s. “But the number of nonfatal attacks has increased markedly,” Manolis said. Nonfatal attacks increased sharply from about 0.1 per year between 1971 and 1980 to 3.3 per year from 2001 to 2004, according to the study.

Source: [Animal Planet]

The Girth Defense

October 29, 2005

2x4.jpg A 21-year old McMaster University student is using penis size as his defense in a sexual assault case.

The urologist showed the court a plastic model of a penis approximating the accused’s member at a semi-relaxed state, which measured 8 1/2 inches in length and 6 1/2 inches in girth. He said a woman who has not given birth might have discomfort or tearing if she had intercourse with a penis that size, especially if she was not sexually aroused.

Defense attorneys took issue with analogies used by the defense:

But Crown attorney Bhavna Bhangu scoffed at the account, noting that Beutling’s reference to his size as a “two-by-four” is an exaggeration compared to the size of the plastic model. “It’s hardly a two-by-four,” she said. She also noted that he has never actually measured himself.

Judgment on the case will occur next month.

Source:[TorontoSun.com]

Call About Gas, Talk about Sex

October 29, 2005

propane.jpg Customers of Columbia gas in Washington, PA who have attempted to contact the company’s service line recently received a message directing them to a phone sex line run by Intimate Encounters. Women in the city sensed a problem when husbands started making multiple phone calls to the ‘gas company’. The Daily Times reports that Intimate Encounters has previously purchased commonly used telephone numbers for customer recruitment.

in the past has bought the use of an old Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission number set up to report injured or dead manatees and toll-free numbers that used to belong to the Policy Review journal, the World Wildlife Fund and rape crisis lines in Maine and Arizona.

Source: [Kerrville Daily Times: AP Wire]

NASCAR Racer Arrested After Three Town High Speed Chase

October 27, 2005

racer.jpg Playstation NASCAR racer that is.  33-year old Tyrone McMillian was arrested recently after leading New York police on a three town chase.  His comment to police when he was finally stopped:

”I’ve been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto and NASCAR on PlayStation. I thought I could get away.”

Source: [Salt Lake Tribune]