Archive for October, 2005

Frat House Jack-O-Lantern

October 31, 2005

Amazing artistic detail…

  jackolantern.jpg

Source: [collegehumor.com

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Masked Man

October 31, 2005

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, “Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” The she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you… the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!”

Source: [Lots of Jokes]

Can You Hear Me Now, Good!

October 31, 2005

cellphone.jpg British females have a new high tech sexual toy that transmits text messages into stimulating vibrations via an insertable bluetooth device. Marketed by the Cool and Groovy Toy Company under the name, “The Toy”, the device is billed as a “high-tech vibrating bullet”.

Connected to a mobile phone with Bluetooth it becomes an intimate, silent connection between two lovers, regardless of distance. Custom designed for your pleasure, it is intelligent, sophisticated and invented for bliss. The Toy is worn internally, linked to a mobile phone and controlled by sms text messages sent to the phone. Once read, the message is transported automatically to The Toy, which turns it into vibrations – with a huge range of movements, depending on what you have written. Just say what you feel, The Toy will do the rest.

According to an article in The Register, each of the twenty-six letters in the English alphabet are linked to three “movement profiles” with five possible speeds and three possible time settings. Notably,

The Toy is “not discoverable in a Bluetooth search”, so there’s no chance of your other half being molested by a wireless groper.

Source: [The Register]

Back to School Special

October 31, 2005

Who was the marketing genius who cooked up this Back to College sale?

backtocollege.jpg

Source: [Dave’s Daily]

Food Items from Hurricane Relief Effort Being Sold on eBay

October 31, 2005

cannedfood.jpg Meals ready to eat (MRE’s) that appear to have been distributed to hurricane victims during recent relief efforts along the Gulf coast of the United States have appeared on eBay according to a recent article published in the Houston Chronicle.

Representatives for eBay, the online auctioneer firm, say it is impossible to prove that any of the meals were meant for hurricane victims. They note MREs can be bought in camping stores and Army-Navy surplus outlets.

But at least some of the MREs advertised on the Web site are being sold from Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida and other Gulf states, and are individually packaged with a disclaimer that clearly notes: “U.S. Government property — Commercial resale is unlawful.”

While it remains unproven whether these food items actually originated from federal government relief efforts, some of the sellers have made references to the hurricanes in the region.

“It was very depressing to come back and see that Rita took half our roof with her and left a lot of trees on the fence,” the seller wrote. “I am still in a state of shock and a daze. It has really been a mess. I thank God for my solid gold eBay customers. Thanks for your prayers.”

Source: [Houston Chronicle]

Happy Halloween from Snicker

October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween! My apologies if you are receiving posts over again today. There was a major drive failure at WordPress.com and all of the weblogs hosted there have lost all changes made to their weblogs over the weekend. I’ve managed to recover the majority of them (without the images) and they are posted with today’s date. Unfortunately, a large new section that I made on how to suggest new items and subscribe to the feed are gone. No worries, we’ll keep snickering…

Here’s the URL for the feed. I’ll try to replace the full About page and the new Suggest section again in the next couple of days.

Update: all pages were restored.  You can view the About and Suggest pages by clicking on the tabs underneath the header. 

Feed: http://feeds.feedburner.com/snicker

Warnings for Military Personnel

October 31, 2005

cautionsign.jpg Warnings issued to United States combat troops in the field:

“Aim towards the enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

“When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend.” – US Marine Corps.

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – USAF Ammo Troop.

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal.

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit.” – Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual.

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” – Infantry Journal.

“Tracers work both ways.” – US Army Ordnance.

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” – Infantry Journal.

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” – Anon.

“Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” – Your comrades.

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” – USAF Ammo Troop.

Source: [office-humour.co.uk

Burning Bag of Poo Prank Out of Control

October 31, 2005

flames.jpg A Winnipeg family has lost their home to a blaze started as a result of the infamous burning bag of poo prank that is common around this time of year.

The fire was started by someone who left a flaming bag of fecal matter on the family’s doorstep, police said yesterday

According to an Ottawa Sun article, the flames spread so rapidly that the family had no options other than to escape and watch their home burn to the ground. Fortunately, no one was injured; however, damages have been estimated at over $100,000.

Source: [ottawasun.com]

Chalk One Up for the Big Guys

October 31, 2005

You go, big man! You go!

bigguy.jpg

Spotted at: [College Humor]

Rap Translation: Notorious B.I.G. (Ready to Die)

October 31, 2005

Artist: Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Ready to Die
Song: One more chance (remix)

Lyrics:

First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys
Dummies – playboy bunnies, those wantin’ money
Those the ones I like ‘cause they don’t get nathan’
But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation
Garbage, I turn like doorknobs
Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever
However, I stay coochied down to the socks
Rings and watch filled with rocks

TRANSLATION:

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.

Lyrics:

And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi
Girls pee pee when they see me, Nava-hoes creep me in they tee pee
As I lay down laws like I lay carpet
Stop it – if you think your gonna make a profit

TRANSLATION:

I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.

Lyrics:

Don’t see my ones, don’t see my guns – get it
Now tell ya friends Poppa hit it then split it
In two as I flow with the Junior Mafia
I don’t know what the hell’s stoppin’ ya
I’m clockin’ ya – Versace shades watchin’ ya
Once ya grin, I’m in game, begin

TRANSLATION:

Understand this fact: you can have neither my money, nor my weapons. I suggest that you inform your peers that we engaged in violent sexual acts. Currently, I am rapping with my associates, the Junior Mafia. I’m having some difficulty understanding why you refuse to approach me. I am attempting to make eye contact with you through my expensive glasses, and as soon as you respond with a smile, I will approach you.

Lyrics:

First I talk about how I dress and this
And diamond necklaces – stretch Lexuses
The sex is just immaculate from the back I get
Deeper and deeper – help ya reach the
Climax that your man can’t make
Call and tell him you’ll be home real late
Let’s sing the break

TRANSLATION:

I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn’t be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won’t be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.

Lyrics:

She’s sick of that song on how it’s so long
Thought he worked his until I handled my biz
There I is – major pain like Damon Wayans
Low down dirty even like his brother Keenan
Schemin’ – don’t bring your girl ‘round me
True player for real, ask Puff Daddy

TRANSLATION:

Your current love interest no longer wishes to hear your fabrications about the length of your member. After I had sexual intercourse with your woman, she became enlightened as to the proper way it is supposed to be performed; violently and immorally. It would be in your best interest to keep your woman away from me as my sexual prowess is very strong. If you are unconvinced, ask Puff Daddy.

Lyrics:

You – ringin’ bells with bags from Chanel
Baby Benz, traded in your Hyundai Excel
Fully equipped, CD changer with the cell
She beeped me, meet me at twelve

TRANSLATION:

Despite the fact that you attempted to win her at her doorstep with bags full of expensive clothes and a car (the lower end model Mercedes Benz which you financed by signing over your current vehicle) containing an expensive stereo and a cellular phone, your woman has contacted me through my pager indicating that we should rendezvous at midnight.

Lyrics:

Where you at? Flippin’ jobs, playin’ car notes?
While I’m swimmin’ in ya women like the breast stroke
Right stroke, left stroke what’s the best stroke
Death stroke – tongue all down her throat
Nuthin’ left to do but send her home to you
I’m through – can ya sing the song for me, boo?

TRANSLATION:

You, on the other hand, jump from job to job, barely able to maintain payments on the Mercedes Benz you purchased for your woman. Meanwhile, I continue to engage in sexual intercourse and commit lewd osculatory acts with your women. My only remaining option is to request that she leave my home and return to you because I have reached orgasm and no longer have a need for her presence.

Lyrics:

So, what’s it gonna be? Him or me?
We can cruise the world with pearls
Gator boots for girls
The envy of all women, crushed linen
Cartier wrist-wear with diamonds in ‘em
The finest women I love with a passion
Ya man’s a wimp, I give that ass a good thrashin’

TRANSLATION:

The ultimate decision rests with you. Whom do you choose as your sexual partner. I can take you on cruises around the world. I will dress you in the finest jewelry and footwear. You will be envied by women worldwide in your fine clothes and jewelry. There is a special place in my heart for beautiful women. I will defeat your man in an altercation because he is effeminate.

Lyrics:

High fashion – flyin’ into all states.
Sexin’ me while your man masturbates.
Isn’t this great? Your flight leaves at eight.
Her flight lands at nine, my game just rewinds.
Lyrically I’m supposed to represent.
I’m not only the client, I’m the player president

TRANSLATION:

You will be dressed in finest clothes on the runways of Paris. I will fly you to every state to shop for fine clothes and jewelry. You will enjoy sexual intercourse with me and your man will be forced to pleasure himself through manual stimulation. What a life! I’ll return you to LaGuardia in time to catch your 8 o’clock flight. The timing is perfect because I have scheduled a date with a second woman who arrives at the same gate at 9 o’clock. I’ll seduce her in the same way that I seduced you. I rap well and I am a positive reflection of my home town. Not only am I a sexually deviant, misogynistic, immoral, wealthy, male prostitute, but I also sit on the board of directors of the organization that governs others of my kind.

Source: [bizbag.com]

Happy Halloween

October 31, 2005

pumpkin2.jpg

Source: [Worth1000.com

Accountant and ‘Chicken Farmer’

October 30, 2005

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a high-priced whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl!”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year.”

Source: [Lots of Jokes]

Fosters, Helping Crocodiles Since 1971

October 30, 2005

croc.jpg Nearly one-third of crocodile-related deaths in Australia are the result of inebriated swimmers according to a recent study that investigated all attacks that occurred between 1971 and 2004.

The study, published in the U.S.-based Wilderness Medical Society journal, found that fatal attacks had remained roughly stable at about two per year since the 1970s. “But the number of nonfatal attacks has increased markedly,” Manolis said. Nonfatal attacks increased sharply from about 0.1 per year between 1971 and 1980 to 3.3 per year from 2001 to 2004, according to the study.

Source: [Animal Planet]

Just Plain Blunt

October 30, 2005

No mincing words at this store…

deadpeoplesign.jpg

Source: [Dave’s Daily]

$690,000 1975 Ford Escort

October 30, 2005

oldcar.jpg Who in their right mind would cough up $690,000 for a 1975 Ford Escort? Well, if it was Pope John Paul II’s car, the answer is a multimillionaire from Houston. John O’Quinn added the vehicle to his collection of approximately 600 automobiles and intends to place it in a museum that he plans to build. The car is far from mint condition.

Built 30 years ago at a Ford plant in Cologne, Germany, the car sold Saturday in what auctioneer Dean Kruse said was original papal condition – no hubcaps, no air conditioning, no radio, but with several nicks and dents.

Sounds like a ride that could use a ‘Pimping’.

Source: [Portsmouth Herald]

The Girth Defense

October 29, 2005

2x4.jpg A 21-year old McMaster University student is using penis size as his defense in a sexual assault case.

The urologist showed the court a plastic model of a penis approximating the accused’s member at a semi-relaxed state, which measured 8 1/2 inches in length and 6 1/2 inches in girth. He said a woman who has not given birth might have discomfort or tearing if she had intercourse with a penis that size, especially if she was not sexually aroused.

Defense attorneys took issue with analogies used by the defense:

But Crown attorney Bhavna Bhangu scoffed at the account, noting that Beutling’s reference to his size as a “two-by-four” is an exaggeration compared to the size of the plastic model. “It’s hardly a two-by-four,” she said. She also noted that he has never actually measured himself.

Judgment on the case will occur next month.

Source:[TorontoSun.com]

Call About Gas, Talk about Sex

October 29, 2005

propane.jpg Customers of Columbia gas in Washington, PA who have attempted to contact the company’s service line recently received a message directing them to a phone sex line run by Intimate Encounters. Women in the city sensed a problem when husbands started making multiple phone calls to the ‘gas company’. The Daily Times reports that Intimate Encounters has previously purchased commonly used telephone numbers for customer recruitment.

in the past has bought the use of an old Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission number set up to report injured or dead manatees and toll-free numbers that used to belong to the Policy Review journal, the World Wildlife Fund and rape crisis lines in Maine and Arizona.

Source: [Kerrville Daily Times: AP Wire]

Choose Your Health Plan Carefully

October 29, 2005

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

“Oh my god!”, said the Queen, “That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???”

The doctor leading the tour explains, “I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly.”

“Oh, I am sorry” said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

“Oh my God”, said the Queen, “What’s happening in there?”

The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”

Source: [Lots of Jokes]

Didn’t See That Coming, Did Ya?

October 29, 2005

palm.jpg A Baltimore, Maryland woman who apparently doesn’t trust in psychic abilities lashed out this week.

Police say that around 4:30pm on Monday the woman approached 38 year-old Kevin Patrick Miles, who owns the Zodiac Zone kiosk at Arundel Mills, and said, “So, you’re supposed to be a psychic?” Miles says the woman then pulled a soda bottle from her purse, threw it at his head, and asked “Did you see that coming?” before leaving.

Ouch! Fark.com commenters thought that the psychic may in fact have foretold a nice settlement award in the near future.

Spotted on: [Fark.com]

Source: [WJZ News]

Biggest Guitar Jam Session Ever

October 29, 2005

guitar.jpg Two thousand guitarists are expected at the largest simulataneous guitar jam session ever today in Melbourne, Australia. The chosen song for the event? Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water”. And every amp can be turned up to 11! The event is going to take place at the Melbourne Hard Rock Cafe in an attempt to break the current record of 1,322 guitarists who gathered in Canada in 1994.

Source: [WFMY News

Monkey in the Back

October 28, 2005

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says “Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?” The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says “Hey man, do you want some of that?” And the hitch hiker says “Sure, but just don’t smack me so hard.”

Source: [Lots of Jokes]

NYC Smells Too Darn Good for Locals

October 28, 2005

cake.jpg New York residents have been reporting a sweet smell wafting through their city from lower Manhattan through the Upper West side. Calls to emergency management officials began on Thursday night.

…many compared the smell to maple syrup, others said it reminded them of vanilla coffee or freshly-baked cake

The source of the smell has yet to be identified.

Source: [AP News @ jacksonsun.com]

Guinness World Records > Highest Fall Survived Without Parachute

October 28, 2005

sky.jpg According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the highest fall ever recorded without a parachute was 33,330 feet. It occurred in January 1972 when a DC-9 exploded over the Czech Republic. Flight attendant Vesna Vulovic recalls nothing of the event as the plane plunged from the sky. She was found by a rescue team in the wreckage and emerged from a coma three days after the event. Her first words upon regaining consciousness:

“Can I have a cigarette?”

Wow, That’s a Huge Dog!

October 27, 2005

greatdane.jpgGibson, a 7-foot 2-inch Great Dane from Grass Valley, CA has been named the world’s tallest dog by the Guiness Book of World Records this week. What does it take to feed a dog that large?

Gibson alone eats eight to 10 cups of dry dog food and two pounds of wet food a day. That could be chicken hindquarters, hamburger, table scraps. Every other Friday, it’s pizza night. His favorite is actually linguini with clam sauce. His dessert of choice is vanilla cookies.

Source: [Sacramento Bee]

Single Woman in Grocery Store

October 27, 2005

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:

1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.

She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you’re fucking ugly!

Source: [Lots of Jokes]